Couples Who Argue Together, Stay Together, Research Finds
Research has found that couples who argue together, stay together.
Couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the carpet, according to a survey of almost 1,000 adults.
Many couples mistakenly believe that avoiding discussing sensitive issues means avoiding an argument, which, in turn, will be good for their relationship, said Joseph Grenny, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversation.
“But the biggest mistake that couples make is avoidance,” he said. “We feel something but say nothing. At least until we can’t stand it anymore. So we wait until we are certain to discuss it poorly before we bring it up.“We tend to avoid these conversations because we are conscious of the risks of speaking up, but unconscious of the risks of not speaking up,” he said. “We tend to only weigh the immediate and obvious risks without considering the longer term costs to intimacy, trust and connection.” says Joseph Grenny, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations.
That seems to have played a part in the disintegration of the previous relationships of the people involved in the study.
More than four out of five of them said that poor communication was one reason for a prior breakup. Half of them said it was “significant” grounds for the split.
“The biggest unconscious mistake couples make is failing to take emotional responsibility for their feelings,” Grenny said. “We think others are ‘making’ us feel the way we are – and fail to see our role in our own emotions. That’s why, when we discuss our concerns with our loved one, we are so often filled with blame and provoke defensiveness.”
“The success of a relationship is determined by the way in which sensitive issues are debated,” he said. “True love takes work. Real intimacy is not just about love but is also about truth. And crucial conversations are the vehicle for surfacing truth in a way that accelerates a feeling of intimacy, trust and connection.”